The Four Horsemen (and What to Do Instead), According to the Gottmans
In my last post I mentioned stonewalling as one of the signs a couple might need support — and I promised I'd come back and explain what that actually means. So here we are.
Stonewalling is one of what researchers John and Julie Gottman call the Four Horsemen — named after the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, because that's how reliably these four patterns show up right before a relationship falls apart. The Gottmans spent decades watching real couples argue in their research lab. They found that these four communication patterns, when they show up together and often, predict divorce with startling accuracy — we're talking over 90%, just from watching a 15-minute conflict conversation.
That number used to scare me a little when I first learned it in grad school. Now I mostly find it hopeful, because if you can name a pattern, you can change it. Every single one of these horsemen has an antidote. So let's go through them.
Horseman #1: Criticism
Let me start by saying criticism is NOT the same as a complaint. A complaint is specific — "I was frustrated you didn't call me when you said you would." Criticism goes after character — "You never think about anyone but yourself." One is about a behavior. The other is an attack on who your partner is as a person.
The antidote: Gentle Start- Up. Talk about your feeling and your need, not their character. Instead of "You never help around here," try "I'm feeling overwhelmed and I need more support with the house." Same issue, completely different door for your partner to walk through.
Horseman #2: Contempt
If criticism is the most common horseman, contempt is the most dangerous one. Contempt is the single strongest predictor of divorce out of all four. More than criticism, defensiveness, or stonewalling. Contempt is communication that comes from a place of superiority — sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, name-calling, that tone that says "I'm better than you." It’s an attack on your partner with an intent to insult. It's the opposite of respect, and it's corrosive in a way the other three aren't.
A few examples of what contempt can actually sound or look like:
Sarcasm as a weapon: "Wow, look who finally decided to help."
Mockery: Imitating your partner's tone or words to make fun of them.
Name-calling: "You're being pathetic right now."
Nonverbal contempt: Rolling your eyes, scoffing, or smirking while your partner is talking.
Moral superiority: "I would never do something that thoughtless."
This is the one I see clients get confused most often, in two different directions. Some couples assume it's the same as criticism, but criticism attacks a behavior or character trait, while contempt attacks from a place of superiority, like you're looking down on your partner rather than just frustrated with them. Other couples confuse it with normal venting or frustration, but venting is "I'm so annoyed right now," while contempt has that edge of disgust or disrespect underneath it. The tone is really the tell. If it would sting to hear it said about you in front of other people, it's probably contempt.
The antidote: Build a culture of appreciation. This one takes real intention. Actively notice and name what you respect or appreciate about your partner, especially outside of conflict. Couples who do this regularly build up enough goodwill that contempt has a much harder time taking root in the first place.
Horseman #3: Defensiveness
This one is so human. When we feel attacked, our instinct is to protect ourselves. So we make excuses, we deflect, we counter-attack ("well, you do it too"), we play the victim. It feels like self-protection in the moment. But it almost never actually resolves anything, because it signals to your partner that you're not really hearing them.
The antidote: Take responsibility, even if it's just for a piece of it. You don't have to accept full blame for something that isn't fully yours, but finding the one percent that is yours and owning it out loud ("you're right, I did raise my voice") tends to de-escalate a conversation faster than almost anything else.
Horseman #4: Stonewalling
This is the one I mentioned in the last post. Stonewalling is when a partner shuts down completely. Going quiet, checking out, physically or emotionally leaving the conversation. It usually shows up after the first three horsemen have been circling for a while, once someone becomes so flooded they genuinely can't engage anymore. Your body goes into something close to fight-or-flight — heart rate spikes, and the part of your brain responsible for calm, rational conversation basically goes offline.
But it's worth naming that stonewalling isn't always purely physiological flooding. Sometimes someone is genuinely overwhelmed and shutting down as a survival response. But sometimes it's used, consciously or not, as a way to avoid the conflict altogether, or as a way to communicate disapproval without saying a word. The silent treatment, the cold shoulder, checking out specifically so your partner feels the weight of your withdrawal. Both versions look similar from the outside, but they come from different places, and it matters which one is actually happening in your relationship.
The antidote: Self-soothing, and physiological self-care. If you or your partner are flooded, the most productive thing you can do is take a real break — 20 minutes before continuing. Not to avoid the conversation, but to actually calm your nervous system down enough that you can come back and be present for it.
The order they tend to show up in
One thing I find really useful for couples to understand: these horsemen usually show up in a pattern. Criticism opens the door. When it becomes habitual, contempt often follows. Contempt invites defensiveness. And when defensiveness doesn't resolve anything, stonewalling takes over. It's a cycle, and each person's worst moment tends to trigger the other person's worst moment right back.
This doesn't mean your relationship is doomed
I want to be really clear about this. Almost every couple has used one or more of these at some point. Recognizing them in yourself or your partner isn't a verdict, it's information. What actually matters is what you do once you can see the pattern.
If you're noticing these show up regularly in your relationship, that's not a sign to panic. It's a sign it might be time for some support in learning the antidotes and actually practicing them, together, with someone in the room who can help you both see the cycle in real time.
You can learn more about couples therapy in San Clemente here. And if you're ready to talk it through, myself or someone on my team would be happy to offer a free consult — no pressure, just a conversation to see if we might be a good fit to help. You can book a free consultation with anyone on our team here.
