Postpartum Anxiety Doesn't Care How Much You Know.
I wasn't prepared for how much motherhood would test everything I thought I knew about anxiety. I'm a therapist. I've spent years helping people manage anxiety, including my own. I know the coping skills, I know how anxiety works. And after I had my daughter, I still experienced anxiety and intrusive thoughts- the kind of unwanted images and worries that pop into your head to interrupt the sweetest moments. Some were about her safety. Some were about whether I was doing any of it right, and this persistent fear that I wasn't going to be able to do this. Knowing what was happening didn't make it disappear right away. It just meant I could name it.
If you're a new mom going through something similar, I want you to hear this: knowing the coping skills doesn't make you immune, and needing more support doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. It just means you're human, going through a messy, beautiful life transition.
What postpartum anxiety can look like
It doesn't always look like the "worry" we usually picture. For a lot of moms it shows up as:
A racing mind that won't slow down, especially at night
A constant sense that something bad is about to happen
Checking on the baby over and over, even when you know everything is fine
Tracking every ounce of breastmilk, every ounce of formula, every nap, down to the minute
Struggling to trust anyone else with the baby, including your partner
Wondering if you're doing every little thing right: the right sleep training method, enough contact naps, enough tummy time, too much tummy time etc.
Feeling on edge, irritable or unable to relax even in quiet moments
It's common, and it's talked about a lot less than postpartum depression, so a lot of moms don't recognize it for what it is.
We're also raising babies in a world with more parenting information available to us than any generation before, sleep training methods, feeding schedules, developmental milestones, all of it just a search away, all the time. Of course we're anxious. Of course our brains latch onto every decision like it's the one that matters most. I want to remind every mom reading this: good enough is the goal, not perfect. A mom who takes care of herself and her own anxiety is one of the best things she can give her baby.
What intrusive thoughts actually are
This is the part I most want to normalize.
Intrusive thoughts are sudden, unwanted thoughts or images, often about something happening to your baby, like an accident or something going wrong. They show up uninvited. They feel awful, and then they come back, which makes them feel even scarier.
Here's what matters: having an intrusive thought does not automatically mean it's going to happen and it's not the same as wanting it to happen. It's also not a sign that your baby is in danger or that you're a danger to your child. Usually it's the opposite. Moms who experience this tend to be deeply bonded to and protective of their babies.
Sometimes these thoughts go a step further, and a mom will have a scary thought about causing harm herself. If that's happened to you, I want to say clearly: that thought is not a wish, and it's not a warning sign about who you are as a mother. It's one of the most common, and least talked about, versions of this. The distress you feel about it is actually the clearest sign of how much you love your baby.
This is different from postpartum psychosis, which is much rarer and involves a break from reality. If you're horrified by a scary thought and would never act on it, that's a meaningful distinction. But if you're ever unsure, or the thoughts feel like they're getting worse, please tell your loved ones and have them help you reach out to a professional. You don't have to figure out which one it is by yourself.
What actually helped me
Saying it out loud made the biggest difference. Even as a therapist, part of me didn't want to admit what I was going through, like it would say something about my ability to do this job, or what kind of mom I was. Telling my husband, and eventually my own support system, took a lot of the power out of it.
The other thing that helped was letting myself still need support, even with all the training. Knowing how anxiety works and actually living through it are two different things. I had to remind myself of that, and lean on other people when I needed to.
If this is you right now
You're not a bad mom for having these thoughts. You're not doing it wrong just because you know what you "should" be doing and it's still hard. Postpartum anxiety and intrusive thoughts are common, they're treatable, and reaching out is one of the most protective things you can do for you and your baby.
If any of this feels familiar, I'd love to talk with you. You can learn more about therapy for moms in San Clemente and Orange County here, or go ahead and book a free consultation with anyone on our team here.
If you're in crisis or having thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, please reach out right away: call or text the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline at 1-833-943-5746, available 24/7, or call or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
